Holiday Custody Tips: Making Shared Holidays Work

Holidays after divorce can be emotionally charged for everyone involved. The traditions you once shared as a family now need to be reimagined, custody schedules need to be navigated, and your children may feel torn between two households. With thoughtful planning and flexibility, shared holidays can become a positive experience for your children rather than a source of stress.

Start Planning Early

The worst time to negotiate holiday custody is the week before the holiday. Start planning at least a month in advance — ideally, include a holiday schedule in your custody agreement from the beginning. Having a plan in writing removes ambiguity and reduces conflict.

Common approaches to holiday scheduling include:

• Alternating years: Parent A gets Thanksgiving in even years, Parent B in odd years, and they swap for Christmas.
• Splitting the day: Morning at one home, afternoon and evening at the other.
• Splitting the holiday break: One parent gets the first half of winter break, the other gets the second half.
• Celebrating on different days: One parent has Christmas Eve, the other has Christmas Day. Or one parent celebrates on the 25th and the other has their own celebration on the 26th.

Communicate With Your Co-Parent

Clear, businesslike co-parenting communication is essential during the holiday season. Discuss:

• Exact pickup and drop-off times and locations
• Gift coordination to avoid duplication or one-upmanship
• Travel plans, especially if either parent is going out of town
• Any changes to the regular schedule and when children will return to the normal rotation

Put Your Children First

It is natural to feel sad or jealous when your children are celebrating with your ex. But from your children's perspective, the ideal scenario is to enjoy the holiday without feeling guilty about which parent they are with. You can support this by:

• Never making your children feel bad for looking forward to time at the other parent's house
• Sending them off with enthusiasm rather than tears or passive-aggressive comments
• Not interrogating them about what they did at the other home when they return
• Avoiding competition over gifts, meals, or celebrations

Create New Traditions

One of the silver linings of post-divorce holidays is the opportunity to create new traditions that are uniquely yours:

• If you do not have the kids on Christmas morning, start a new tradition of Christmas brunch or a special activity on Christmas Eve
• Create a special holiday ritual for your household — new ornaments each year, a particular movie marathon, a cookie-baking day
• Include your children in creating these new traditions so they feel ownership
• Remember that the specific date matters less than the experience. Your children will remember the joy, not the calendar date.

Managing Your Own Emotions

The first holiday season after divorce is often the hardest. When the kids are at their other parent's house, the silence can be overwhelming. Prepare yourself with a plan:

• Make plans with friends, family, or other single parents who may also be alone
• Volunteer — helping others is one of the most effective ways to cope with loneliness
• Practice self-care: do something you genuinely enjoy, whether that is a movie, a long bath, or a hike
• Allow yourself to grieve what has changed. It is okay to feel sad.
• Avoid excessive alcohol or other unhealthy coping mechanisms

Extended Family Considerations

Holidays often involve extended family, which adds another layer of complexity:

• Brief your family members on what is and is not appropriate to say around your children
• Ask relatives not to badmouth your ex in front of the children
• If your ex's family wants to maintain a relationship with your children, support that when possible
• Set boundaries with family members who try to interrogate you about the divorce or your ex

Handling Gift Giving

Gift giving can become a competitive battleground if you let it. Some guidelines:

• Communicate with your co-parent about big-ticket items to avoid duplicates
• Do not try to outspend your ex. Children remember experiences and attention more than material gifts.
• If finances are tight, focus on meaningful, low-cost gifts and experiences
• Never speak negatively about gifts the other parent gives

Shared holidays get easier with time and practice. By the second or third year, you will have established routines that feel natural. Focus on creating joy in the time you do have with your children, and give yourself grace during the times you do not.