Holiday Custody Tips: Making Shared Holidays Work

Navigating the Holiday Season After Divorce

Holidays after divorce are among the most emotionally challenging times for families. Traditions change, schedules must be negotiated, and the absence of a complete family unit can feel especially painful. But with planning, flexibility, and a focus on your children's experience, shared holidays can still be meaningful and joyful.

Planning Ahead Is Essential

The worst thing you can do is wait until the last minute to figure out holiday arrangements. Start planning at least a month in advance, and for major holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving, begin discussions even earlier. Review your custody agreement's holiday provisions. If your agreement does not specifically address certain holidays, negotiate them well before the date arrives.

Common Holiday Custody Arrangements

Several approaches work for dividing holiday time:

Alternating years: Each parent gets specific holidays in odd or even years. Parent A has Thanksgiving and Christmas morning in odd years, Parent B in even years.
Splitting the day: Children spend the morning with one parent and the evening with the other. This works well when parents live near each other.
Celebrating on different days: One parent celebrates on the actual holiday, and the other celebrates the day before or after. This gives each parent a full holiday experience without rushing.
Shared celebrations: Some co-parents can comfortably celebrate together. If this works for your family, it can be wonderful for the children, but only if both parents genuinely want to participate.

Managing Your Own Emotions

Being away from your children on a holiday is painful. Acknowledge that feeling rather than trying to suppress it. Plan something meaningful for yourself on holidays when you do not have the children. This might be volunteering, spending time with friends, starting a new tradition, or treating yourself to something special. Do not spend the day alone wallowing in sadness.

Creating New Traditions

While it is natural to mourn the loss of old traditions, this is also an opportunity to create new ones. New traditions help your children (and you) build positive associations with the new family structure. Let your children participate in choosing new traditions. This gives them a sense of ownership and something to look forward to.

Tips for Specific Holidays

Thanksgiving

Consider alternating years or splitting the day. If splitting, have the early dinner at one home and dessert at the other. Or celebrate on Thursday with one parent and have a special dinner on Friday or Saturday with the other.

Christmas and Hanukkah

Many families split Christmas Eve and Christmas Day between parents. Alternating years is another common approach. For Hanukkah, the eight nights can be divided between homes. Consider that the specific day matters less than the quality of the celebration.

Birthdays

Children's birthdays can be celebrated twice, once with each parent, or jointly if the co-parents can manage it. The child's preference should be considered, especially for older children. Agree in advance about gifts to avoid competitive gift-giving.

What Not to Do

Do not compete with the other parent through lavish gifts or elaborate plans
Do not badmouth the other parent or express bitterness about the arrangements
Do not make your children feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent
Do not interrogate your children about the other parent's holiday celebrations
Do not change plans at the last minute unless there is a genuine emergency

Focus on What Matters

Children remember how holidays made them feel, not which parent they were with on which day. Focus on creating warm, loving experiences during your time with them, and support their enjoyment of time with the other parent. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

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