How to Co-Parent When You Can Barely Stand Each Other

You do not have to like your ex. You do not even have to forgive them yet. But you do have to co-parent with them. Here is how to make it work when every interaction feels like a battlefield.

Accept That Co-Parenting and Friendship Are Different Things

The internet is full of advice about being "co-parenting friends." That is wonderful when it works, but it is not realistic for everyone. What you actually need is a functional business partnership. Think of your ex as a colleague you did not choose. You do not need to enjoy their company — you need to communicate clearly about the children and follow through on agreements.

The BIFF Method

When communicating with a difficult ex, use the BIFF method developed by conflict resolution expert Bill Eddy:

• Brief — Keep messages short. One or two sentences. No essays.
• Informative — Stick to facts. "Soccer practice is at 4 PM on Tuesday" not "You always forget their activities."
• Friendly — A neutral or mildly warm tone. "Thanks" goes a long way.
• Firm — State the information and end. Do not open the door to argument.

Use Technology as a Buffer

Reduce face-to-face conflict by using communication tools designed for co-parents. Apps like OurFamilyWizard and TalkingParents create a documented record and remove the temptation to argue in real time. Some courts even require their use in high-conflict cases.

Consider Parallel Parenting

If co-parenting feels impossible, parallel parenting may be the answer. In parallel parenting:

• Each parent makes day-to-day decisions in their own home independently
• Communication is limited to essential logistics only
• Drop-offs and pick-ups happen at a neutral location (like school) to avoid interaction
• Major decisions (medical, educational) are still discussed — ideally through a mediator or parenting coordinator

What Your Kids Need From You

Even when you are furious at your ex, your children need you to:

• Never badmouth the other parent in front of them
• Never ask them to choose sides
• Never use them as messengers
• Show up consistently for your parenting time
• Support their relationship with the other parent

Read the full guide on co-parenting after divorce and learn about supporting your children's wellbeing.